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(love me.)

recondition, reprogram, reactivate [19 Apr 2005|02:20pm]
ex_bulletpo
was almost at inner peace (OHM) with the whole best-friends thang and glad to see him today for the first time in MONTHS- until I called him half an hour ago, school lunchtime, hiding behind my desk so I could use my mobile with no passing teachers spying me- to check. Alex has a habit of canceling things. So no suprise I'm not seeing him today afterall. In all fairness he has to go to hospital with his mom. But yeah, might se him wednesdya (ill skip AF cus of band practice to make more time for A if we're hanging out) or thursday, but liek he said 'cant make any problems'

WAH.

bodycount: 28. in the last two days. blah. someone otu there should be proud of me (casts a prayer to the Patrant St Of Switchblade Knives)

meanwhile..got in a violent argument with my history teacher Mr Platt today over Marxism vs Communism -THEYRE THE SAME FUCKING THING. grrr.

(1 love me.)

[18 Apr 2005|11:36pm]

daaaaaaaaaanger
Alright guys,
I'm working on the layout but it's not finished yet...however I am tired and need sleep. :)

(love me.)

whoops..OTHER info on my mental wellbeing etc [18 Apr 2005|09:45pm]
ex_bulletpo
[ mood | sleepy ]

bodycount:went from 5 to 14 in the pscae of 4 hours ie. schoolday.
soon to add 2/4?
shiny cold kisses is all the action Im getting these days <3
Xx w xX

love n hope n stuff to you all.

(5 love me.)

broken hearts- ITS NOT A FASHION STATEMENT ITS A DEATHWISH [18 Apr 2005|04:34pm]
ex_bulletpo
[ mood | jaded. ]

um..story?
letsee, grandmammy, tell me something true!Tell me something blue from back when you were a teenage girl.

Oh, alright, it goes a little something like this..

My (ex) bf, named Alex, has got a new girlfriend. We met last november, at Anna Freud Center Of Child Psychology. Id onyl seen him there once befroe, and the onyl other peeps there were these little kids with ADD, so I decided to finally talk to him one day.'Hi', I said, leanign over the table to his chair int he waiting room.'My names willa. yours?'
'alex'
'cool. whatyre you in here for?'
He lifted both his scarred hands. And said 'you?' I peeled up my sleeves and said 'same'.
The conversation ended there. We sat in silence till we both called for our indvidual sessions. I thought Id freaked him out and sighed, giving myself a mental quick in the ass for always being so intimidating ad wEiRd. So, I wa suprised that once my session ended, as I walked out of the dark building into the equally dark freezing cold rainy night, to see him standing at the bottom of the steps outside. 'hi' he said, 'which way are you going?' We were both were suppsoed to take the bus, but ended up wlaking up and downn the mile road talking until we were both soaked and two hours late.

meanwhile, we were together for a long time 'in love' bla movie montage skip of 5 months

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um..story?
letsee, grandmammy, tell me something true!Tell me something blue from back when you were a teenage girl.

Oh, alright, it goes a little something like this..

My (ex) bf, named Alex, has got a new girlfriend. We met last november, at Anna Freud Center Of Child Psychology. Id onyl seen him there once befroe, and the onyl other peeps there were these little kids with ADD, so I decided to finally talk to him one day.'Hi', I said, leanign over the table to his chair int he waiting room.'My names willa. yours?'
'alex'
'cool. whatyre you in here for?'
He lifted both his scarred hands. And said 'you?' I peeled up my sleeves and said 'same'.
The conversation ended there. We sat in silence till we both called for our indvidual sessions. I thought Id freaked him out and sighed, giving myself a mental quick in the ass for always being so intimidating ad wEiRd. So, I wa suprised that once my session ended, as I walked out of the dark building into the equally dark freezing cold rainy night, to see him standing at the bottom of the steps outside. 'hi' he said, 'which way are you going?' We were both were suppsoed to take the bus, but ended up wlaking up and downn the mile road talking until we were both soaked and two hours late.

meanwhile, we were together for a long time 'in love' bla movie montage skip of 5 months <insert heart-tearing emo song. perferably something acoustic> with me sititng with him through all his 'shit bits' suicide trips and such, including a two-month trip to the local teenage psych ward where I wasnt allowed to see him. He (under the meds' influence..apparentally) told me he hated me and didnt care what happened to me. For about 3 weeks we didnt have any contact, and I was kinda numb when it came to thinking about him, but good otherwise. i coudlnt realise why the split from someone I loved as much as him, didnt hurt as much as previous breakups had (feel sick when eating, mopey, hollow etc). But i was kinda bit happier, because when I was with him i was trapped in a little trouble of me,him and our problems. Our more, his problems. And mine took a backseat while I tried to get throught his with him. I was on easter holiday when he texted me. We talked and he apologised and I said 'ummmm how about we stay just friends' even though a boy I kinda liked gave me his number during our split.
But when I came back to england we fell back into our coupkle thing, so I gave hima second chance, till on tuesday, when he tried to kill himself (again). The I realised nothign had changed. So on (last) thursday i told him thats why we couldnt stay together.But we're staying close buddies, cus thats how we always were.

On saterday night we talked. He told me he had a new girlfriend. 'Wow, that was quick'
'Well you said you wnated me to be happy'
I wnated to scream a thousand different things at him DID I MENA NOTHING TO YOU> DONT YOU KNOW I STILL LOVE YOU, YOU TWISTED, DISTURBED, BEAUTIFUL ASSHOLE!
me:'oh..whats she liek then?'
apparentally shes gorgeous, he says he likes everythign abotu her. Her names Lyduia. theyw ere best friends for abotu 2 years and she just told him that she had loved him all that time. So hey presto pesto shitso. Thing is, I kinda knew julia liked him (it was obvious to any other female) and that always made her distrust (and dislike her)

saterday ngith, we talked ont eh phone all night till sunrise, for 8 hours. he told me that if i killed myelf, he wnated me to knwo that he would come straigth after. and that he felt depressed.
'why? you have all you wnated, girl friends happiness- arent you happy now?'
'yeah..but i wnat you to be happy. tell me what you really think of this:do you mind?'
I finally told him a little how I felt, and he told me he loved her, and he still loved me. I siad 'but you love her too?'
'yeah'
'but then..do you love me like you used to? or a s a distant reminder..'
'like I used to!'
'but you said you love her..'
'willa, there are many different kinds of love.'

That boy is an enigma.
That night I cried, i cut, I helped, I laughed- it was all there. byt eh mornign I thought it was all okay when we finally hung up. But later during the day i felt hollow and..shit.
Same today. My friend jen watched me get some napkins int eh cafeteria and said 'willa, you ahve perfected the art of looking down. you look POSTIVELY miserable and psised off at thw world and everythign about ti. What happened?'

But I still cnat really tell anyone. And it hurts so fucking much. I wish i didnt love him, I wnat him to eb happy etc etc etc

and on top of that.. I HAVE CRAMPS
*bleh*

comments???
Ims eeing him tomorrow. ill psot then. finger crossed xox

(3 love me.)

[14 Apr 2005|04:37pm]

daaaaaaaaaanger
Hey Willa, I'll attempt to make you a nice layout if you make me a mod. ^^
And soon I will share a heartbreak story. Under an eljay cut and friends-only.

(love me.)

Meh. [14 Apr 2005|06:43pm]
weirderworlds
[ mood | pissed off ]

I hate boys. All the boys that I know. Damn them all. *kills them all with a pointy stick*

I don't exactly have any romantic problems at the moment. Because romance doesn't exist in my life. How FUN.

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